the days of my life-第7章

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ibule　and　abused　in　a　most　straightforward　fashion；　but　he　never　seemed　to　mind。
“I　believe；　Samuel；”　roared　my　father　at　him　in　my　hearing；　“donkey　as　you　are；　you　think　that　no　one　can　do　anything　except　yourself。”
“Nor　they　can’t；　Squire；”　replied　Samuel　calmly；　which　closed　the　conversation。
On　another　occasion　there　was　a　frantic　row　about　a　certain　pheasant　which　was　supposed　to　have　e　to　its　end　unlawfully。　My　father　had　ordered　this　fowl　to　be　stuffed　that　it　might　be　produced　in　some　pending　legal　proceedings。　Samuel；　who　I　think　at　that　time　was　head…keeper　and　probably　knew　more　about　the　pheasant’s　end　than　my　father；　did　not　pay　the　slightest　attention　to　these　mands。　Then　came　the　row。
“Don’t　you　argue　with　me；　sir；”　said　my　father　to　Samuel；　who　for　the　last　ten　minutes　had　been　sitting　silent　with　his　eyes　fixed　upon　the　ceiling。　“Answer　me　without　further　prevarication。　Have　you　obeyed　my　orders　and　had　that　pheasant　stuffed？”
“Lor’！　Squire；”　replied　Samuel；　“you　stuffed　it　yourself　a　week　ago！”
On　inquiry　it　transpired　that　Samuel；　to　prevent　further　plications　and　awkward　questions；　had　prevailed　upon　the　cook　to　roast　that　pheasant　and　send　it　up　for　my　parent’s　dinner。　So　the　lawsuit　was　dropped。
My　father　was　a　regular　in　attendance　at　church。　We　always　sat　in　the　chancel　on　oak　benches　originally　designed　for　the　choir。　If　he　happened　to　be　in　time　himself　and　other　parishioners；　such　as　the　farmers’　daughters；　happened　to　be　late；　his　habit　was；　when　he　saw　them　enter；　to　step　into　the　middle　of　the　nave；　produce　a　very　large　old　watch　which　I　now　possess　—　for　on　his　death…bed　he　told　Hocking　to　give　it　to　me　—　and　hold　it　aloft　that　the　sinners　as　they　walked　up　the　church　might　bee　aware　of　the　enormity　of　their　offence。
He　always　read　the　Lessons　and　read　them　very　well。　There　were　certain　chapters；　however；　those　which　are　full　of　names　both　in　the　Old　and　New　Testaments；　which　were　apt　to　cause　difficulty。　It　was　not　that　he　was　unable　to　pronounce　these　names；　for　having　been　a　fair　scholar　in　his　youth　he　did　this　better　than　most。　Yet　when　he　had　finished　the　list　it　would　occur　to　him　that　they　might　have　been　rendered　more　satisfactorily。　So　he　would　go　back　to　the　beginning　and　read　them　all　through　again。
At　the　conclusion　of　the　service　no　one　in　the　church　ventured　to　stir　until　he　had　walked　down　it　slowly　and　taken　up　his　position　on　a　certain　spot　in　the　porch。　Here　he　stood　and　watched　the　congregation　emerge；　counting　them　like　sheep。
Notwithstanding　his　hot　temper；　foibles　and　tricks　of　manner；　there　was　something　about　him　that　made　him　extraordinarily　popular；　not　only　as　I　have　said　in　his　household　but　in　the　outside　world。　Thus　I　remember　that　once　the　Liberals　（needless　to　say　he　was　the　strongest　of　Conservatives）　offered　not　to　contest　the　division　if　he　would　consent　to　represent　it。　This；　however；　with　all　the　burden　of　his　large　family　on　his　back　he　could　not　afford　to　do。　It　is　a　pity；　for　I　am　sure　that　his　strong　personality；　backed　as　it　was　by　remarkable　shrewdness；　would　have　made　him　a　great　figure　in　the　House　of　mons　and　one　who　would　have　been　long　remembered。
In　many　ways　he　was　extraordinarily　able；　though；　if　one　may　say　so　of　a　man　who　was　so　very　much　a　man；　his　mind　had　certain　feminine　characteristics　that　for　aught　I　know　may　have　e　to　him　with　his　Russian　blood。　Thus　I　do　not　think　that　he　reasoned　very　much。　He　jumped　to　conclusions　as　a　woman　does；　and　those　conclusions；　although　often　exaggerated；　were　in　essence　very　rarely　wrong。　Indeed　I　never　knew　anyone　who　could　form　a　more　accurate　judgement　of　a　person　of　either　sex　after　a　few　minutes　of　conversation；　or　even　at　sight。　He　seemed　to　have　a　certain　power　of　summing　up　the　true　nature　of　man；　woman　or　child；　though　I　am　sure　that　he　did　not　in　the　least　know　upon　what　he　based　his　estimate。　It　must　not　be　supposed；　however；　that　he　was　by　any　means　shallow　or　superficial。　In　any　great　event　his　nature　revealed　an　innate　depth　and　dignity；　all　the　noise　that　he　was　so　fond　of　making　ceased　and　he　became　very　quiet。
Nobody　could　be　more　absolutely　delightful　than　my　father　when　he　chose；　and；　per　contra；　I　am　bound　to　add　that　nobody　could　be　more　disagreeable。　His　rows　with　his　children　were　many；　and　often　on　his　part　unjust。　One　of　the　causes　of　these　outbreaks　was　that　he　seemed　unable　to　realise　that　children　do　not　always　remain　children。
Once　when　I　was　a　young　man　in　Africa　—　it　was　just　before　I　was　appointed　Master　of　the　High　Court　in　the　Transvaal　—　I　was　very　anxious　to　e　home　after　several　years’　absence　from　England；　on　“urgent　private　affairs。”　To　be　frank；　I　desired　to　bring　a　certain　love　affair　to　a　head　by　a　formal　engagement；　which　there　was　no　doubt　I　could　have　done　at　that　time。
For　certain　reasons；　however；　it　was　impossible　for　me　to　get　leave　at　the　moment。　Yet　the　matter　was　one　that　would　admit　of　no　delay。　In　this　emergency　I　went　to　my　chief；　Sir　Theophilus　Shepstone；　told　him　how　things　stood　and　obtained　a　promise　from　him　that　if　I　resigned　my　appointment　in　order　to　visit　England；　as　it　was　necessary　I　should　do；　he　would　make　arrangements　to　ensure　my　reappointment　either　to　that　or　to　some　other　billet　on　my　return。
I　suppose　that　I　did　not　make　all　this　quite　clear　in　my　letters　home；　and　almost　certainly　I　did　not　explain　why　it　was　necessary　for　me　to　e　home。　The　result　was　that　the　day　before　I　started；　after　I　had　sent　my　luggage　forward　to　Cape　Town；　I　received　a　most　painful　letter　from　my　father。　Evidently　he　thought　or　feared　that　I　was　abandoning　a　good　career　in　Africa　and　about　to　e　back　upon　his　hands。　Although　it　was　far　from　the　fact；　this　view　may　or　may　not　have　been　justified。　What　I　hold　even　now　was　not　justified　was　the　harsh　way　in　which　it　was　expressed。　The　words　I　have　forgotten；　for　I　destroyed　the　letter　many　years　ago；　immediately　upon　its　receipt；　I　think；　but　the　sting　of　them　after　so　long　an　absence　I　remember　well　enough；　though　some　four…and…thirty　years　have　passed　since　they　were　written；　a　generation　ago。
They　hurt　me　so　much　that　immediately　after　reading　them　I　withdrew　my　formal　resignation　and　cancelled　the　passage　I　had　taken　in　the　post…cart　to　Kimberley　en　route　for　the　Cape　and　England。　As　a　result　the　course　of　two　lives　was　changed。　The　lady　married　someone　else；　with　results　that　were　far　from　fortunate；　and　the　effect　upon　myself　was　not　good。　I　know　now　that　all　was　for　the　best　so　far　as　I　am　concerned；　and　in　these　events　I　see　the　workings　of　the　hand　of　Destiny。　Many；　I　am　aware；　will　think　this　a　hard　saying；　but　from　Job　down　man　has　found　it　difficult　to　escape　a　certain　faith　in　fatalism　which　even　St。　Paul　seems　to　have　accepted。
There’s　a　divinity　that　shapes　our　ends；
Rough…hew　them　how　we　will；
writes　the　inspired　Shakespeare；　and　who　shall　deny　that　he　writes　truth？　The　alternative　would　seem　to　be　the　acceptance　of　a　doctrine　of　blind　chance　which　I　confess　I　find　hideous。　Moreover；　if　it　is　to　prevail；　how　fearful　are　our　human　responsibilities。　Because　my　dear　father；　who　had　the　interests　of　all　his　children　so　closely　at　heart；　wrote　a　sharp　and　testy　letter；　probably　under　the　influence　of　some　other　irritation　of　which　I　know　nothing；　is　he　to　be　saddled　with　the　weight　of　all　the　consequences　of　that　letter？　Or　am　I　to　be　saddled　with　those　consequences　because　I　was　a　high…spirited　and　sensitive　young　man　who　took　the　letter　too　seriously？　If　we　knew　the　answers　to　these　questions　we　should　have　solved　the　meaning　of　the　secret　of　our　lives。　But　they　are　hidden　by　the　blackness　that　walls　us　in；　that　blackness　in　which　the　sphinx　will　speak　at　last　—　or　stay　for　ever　silent。
Meanwhile　the　moral　is　that　people　should　be　careful　of　what　they　put　on　paper。　When　we　throw　a　stone　into　the　sea；　who　knows　where　the　ripple　ends？
To　return　—　these　rows　at　Bradenham；　niy…nine　out　of　a　hundred　of　which　meant　nothing　at　all；　had　a　very　ical　side　to　them。　Perhaps　they　sprang　up　at　table　on　the　occasion　of　an　argument　between　my　father　and　one　of　his　sons。　Then　he　would　rise　majestically；　announce　in　solemn　tones　that　he　refused　to　be　insulted　in　his　own　house