little dorrit-信丽(英文版)-第219章

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upon　it。　Since　it　must　be　seen；　I　will　have　it　seen　by　the　light　I　stood
in。　Not　another　word。　Hear　me！'

'Unless　you　are　a　more　obstinate　and　more　persisting　woman　than　even
I　know　you　to　be；'　Mr　Flintwinch　interposed；　'you　had　better　leave　Mr
Rigaud；　Mr　Blandois；　Mr　Beelzebub；　to　tell　it　in　his　own　way。　What　does
it　signify　when　he　knows　all　about　it？'

'He　does　not　know　all　about　it。'

'He　knows　all　he　cares　about　it；'　Mr　Flintwinch　testily　urged。　'He　does
not　know　me。'

'What　do　you　suppose　he　cares　for　you；　you　conceited　woman？'　said　Mr
Flintwinch。

'I　tell　you；　Flintwinch；　I　will　speak。　I　tell　you　when　it　has　e
to　this；　I　will　tell　it　with　my　own　lips；　and　will　express　myself
throughout　it。　What！　Have　I　suffered　nothing　in　this　room；　no
deprivation；　no　imprisonment；　that　I　should　condescend　at　last　to
contemplate　myself　in　such　a　glass　as　that。　Can　you　see　him？　Can　you
hear　him？　If　your　wife　were　a　hundred　times　the　ingrate　that　she　is；　and
if　I　were　a　thousand　times　more　hopeless　than　I　am　of　inducing　her　to　be
silent　if　this　man　is　silenced；　I　would　tell　it　myself；　before　I　would
bear　the　torment　of　the　hearing　it　from　him。'

Rigaud　pushed　his　chair　a　little　back；　pushed　his　legs　out　straight
before　him；　and　sat　with　his　arms　folded　over　against　her。

'You　do　not　know　what　it　is；'　she　went　on　addressing　him；　'to　be　brought
up　strictly　and　straitly。　I　was　so　brought　up。　Mine　was　no　light　youth
of　sinful　gaiety　and　pleasure。　Mine　were　days　of　wholesome　repression；
punishment；　and　fear。　The　corruption　of　our　hearts；　the　evil　of　our
ways；　the　curse　that　is　upon　us；　the　terrors　that　surround　us……these
were　the　themes　of　my　childhood。　They　formed　my　character；　and　filled　me
with　an　abhorrence　of　evil…doers。　When　old　Mr　Gilbert　Clennam　proposed
his　orphan　nephew　to　my　father　for　my　husband；　my　father　impressed　upon
me　that　his　bringing…up　had　been；　like　mine；　one　of　severe　restraint。
He　told　me；　that　besides　the　discipline　his　spirit　had　undergone；　he
had　lived　in　a　starved　house；　where　rioting　and　gaiety　were　unknown；　and
where　every　day　was　a　day　of　toil　and　trial　like　the　last。　He　told　me
that　he　had　been　a　man　in　years　long　before　his　uncle　had　acknowledged
him　as　one；　and　that　from　his　school…days　to　that　hour；　his　uncle's　roof
has　been　a　sanctuary　to　him　from　the　contagion　of　the　irreligious
and　dissolute。　When；　within　a　twelvemonth　of　our　marriage；　I　found
my　husband；　at　that　time　when　my　father　spoke　of　him；　to　have　sinned
against　the　Lord　and　outraged　me　by　holding　a　guilty　creature　in　my
place；　was　I　to　doubt　that　it　had　been　appointed　to　me　to　make　the
discovery；　and　that　it　was　appointed　to　me　to　lay　the　hand　of　punishment
upon　that　creature　of　perdition？　Was　I　to　dismiss　in　a　moment……not　my
own　wrongs……what　was　I！　but　all　the　rejection　of　sin；　and　all　the　war
against　it；　in　which　I　had　been　bred？'　She　laid　her　wrathful　hand　upon
the　watch　on　the　table。

'No！　〃Do　not　forget。〃　The　initials　of　those　words　are　within　here　now；
and　were　within　here　then。　I　was　appointed　to　find　the　old　letter　that
referred　to　them；　and　that　told　me　what　they　meant；　and　whose　work　they
were；　and　why　they　were　worked；　lying　with　this　watch　in　his　secret
drawer。　But　for　that　appointment　there　would　have　been　no　discovery。
〃Do　not　forget。〃　It　spoke　to　me　like　a　voice　from　an　angry　cloud。　Do
not　forget　the　deadly　sin；　do　not　forget　the　appointed　discovery；　do　not
forget　the　appointed　suffering。　I　did　not　forget。　Was　it　my　own　wrong　I
remembered？　Mine！　I　was　but　a　servant　and　a　minister。　What　power　could　I
have　over　them；　but　that　they　were　bound　in　the　bonds　of　their　sin；　and
delivered　to　me！'

More　than　forty　years　had　passed　over　the　grey　head　of　this　determined
woman；　since　the　time　she　recalled。　More　than　forty　years　of　strife
and　struggle　with　the　whisper　that；　by　whatever　name　she　called　her
vindictive　pride　and　rage；　nothing　through　all　eternity　could　change
their　nature。　Yet；　gone　those　more　than　forty　years；　and　e　this
Nemesis　now　looking　her　in　the　face；　she　still　abided　by　her　old
impiety……still　reversed　the　order　of　Creation；　and　breathed　her　own
breath　into　a　clay　image　of　her　Creator。　Verily；　verily；　travellers　have
seen　many　monstrous　idols　in　many　countries；　but　no　human　eyes　have　ever
seen　more　daring；　gross；　and　shocking　images　of　the　Divine　nature　than
we　creatures　of　the　dust　make　in　our　own　likenesses；　of　our　own　bad
passions。

'When　I　forced　him　to　give　her　up　to　me；　by　her　name　and　place　of
abode；'　she　went　on　in　her　torrent　of　indignation　and　defence；　'when　I
accused　her；　and　she　fell　hiding　her　face　at　my　feet；　was　it　my　injury
that　I　asserted；　were　they　my　reproaches　that　I　poured　upon　her？　Those
who　were　appointed　of　old　to　go　to　wicked　kings　and　accuse　them……were
they　not　ministers　and　servants？　And　had　not　I；　unworthy　and　far…removed
from　them；　sin　to　denounce？　When　she　pleaded　to　me　her　youth；　and　his
wretched　and　hard　life　（that　was　her　phrase　for　the　virtuous　training　he
had　belied）；　and　the　desecrated　ceremony　of　marriage　there　had
secretly　been　between　them；　and　the　terrors　of　want　and　shame　that　had
overwhelmed　them　both　when　I　was　first　appointed　to　be　the　instrument　of
their　punishment；　and　the　love　（for　she　said　the　word　to　me；　down　at　my
feet）　in　which　she　had　abandoned　him　and　left　him　to　me；　was　it　my　enemy
that　became　my　footstool；　were　they　the　words　of　my　wrath　that　made　her
shrink　and　quiver！　Not　unto　me　the　strength　be　ascribed；　not　unto　me　the
wringing　of　the　expiation！'

Many　years　had　e　and　gone　since　she　had　had　the　free　use　even　of
her　fingers；　but　it　was　noticeable　that　she　had　already　more　than　once
struck　her　clenched　hand　vigorously　upon　the　table；　and　that　when　she
said　these　words　she　raised　her　whole　arm　in　the　air；　as　though　it　had
been　a　mon　action　with　her。

'And　what　was　the　repentance　that　was　extorted　from　the　hardness　of　her
heart　and　the　blackness　of　her　depravity？　I；　vindictive　and　implacable？
It　may　be　so；　to　such　as　you　who　know　no　righteousness；　and　no
appointment　except　Satan's。　Laugh；　but　I　will　be　known　as　I　know
myself；　and　as　Flintwinch　knows　me；　though　it　is　only　to　you　and　this
half…witted　woman。'

'Add；　to　yourself；　madame；'　said　Rigaud。　'I　have　my　little　suspicions
that　madame　is　rather　solicitous　to　be　justified　to　herself。'

'It　is　false。　It　is　not　so。　I　have　no　need　to　be；'　she　said；　with　great
energy　and　anger。

'Truly？'　retorted　Rigaud。　'Hah！'

'I　ask；　what　was　the　penitence；　in　works；　that　was　demanded　of　her？

〃You　have　a　child；　I　have　none。　You　love　that　child。　Give　him　to　me。　He
shall　believe　himself　to　be　my　son；　and　he　shall　be　believed　by　every
one　to　be　my　son。　To　save　you　from　exposure；　his　father　shall　swear
never　to　see　or　municate　　from
being　stripped　by　his　uncle；　and　to　save　your　child　from　being　a　beggar；
you　shall　swear　never　to　see　or　municate　with　either　of　them　more。
That　done；　and　your　present　means；　derived　from　my　husband；　renounced；
I　charge　myself　with　your　support。　You　may；　with　your　place　of　retreat
unknown；　then　leave；　if　you　please；　uncontradicted　by　me；　the　lie　that
when　you　passed　out　of　all　knowledge　but　mine；　you　merited　a　good　name。〃
That　was　all。　She　had　to　sacrifice　her　sinful　and　shameful　affections；
no　more。　She　was　then　free　to　bear　her　load　of　guilt　in　secret；　and　to
break　her　heart　in　secret；　and　through　such　present　misery　（light　enough
for　her；　I　think！）　to　purchase　her　redemption　from　endless　misery；　if
she　could。　If；　in　this；　I　punished　her　here；　did　I　not　open　to　her　a　way
hereafter？　If　she　knew　herself　to　be　surrounded　by　insatiable　vengeance
and　unquenchable　fires；　were　they　mine？　If　I　threatened　her；　then　and
afterwards；　with　the　terrors　that　enpassed　her；　did　I　hold　them　in　my
right　hand？'

She　turned　the　watch　upon　the　table；　and　opened　it；　and；　with　an
unsoftening　face；　looked　at　the　worked　letters　within。

'They　did　not　forget。　It　is　appointed　against　such　offences　that　the
offenders　shall　not　be　able　to　forget。　If　the　presence　of　Arthur　was　a
daily　reproach　to　his　father；　and　if　the　absence　of　Arthur　was　a　daily
agony　to　his　mother；　that　was　the　just　dispensation　of　Jeho