little dorrit-信丽(英文版)-第135章

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with　you。　You　make　Mrs　General's　a　thankless　task。　You……ha……embarrass
me　very　much。　You　have　always　（as　I　have　informed　Mrs　General）　been　my
favourite　child；　I　have　always　made　you　a……hum……a　friend　and　panion；
in　return；　I　beg……I……ha……I　do　beg；　that　you　acmodate　yourself
better　to……hum……circumstances；　and　dutifully　do　what　bees　your……your
station。'

Mr　Dorrit　was　even　a　little　more　fragmentary　than　usual；　being　excited
on　the　subject　and　anxious　to　make　himself　particularly　emphatic。

'I　do　beg；'　he　repeated；　'that　this　may　be　attended　to；　and　that　you
will　seriously　take　pains　and　try　to　conduct　yourself　in　a　manner　both
being　your　position　as……ha……Miss　Amy　Dorrit；　and　satisfactory　to
myself　and　Mrs　General。'

That　lady　shut　her　eyes　again；　on　being　again　referred　to；　then；　slowly
opening　them　and　rising；　added　these　words：　'If　Miss　Amy　Dorrit　will
direct　her　own　attention　to；　and　will　accept　of　my　poor　assistance　in；
the　formation　of　a　surface；　Mr。　Dorrit　will　have　no　further　cause　of
anxiety。　May　I　take　this　opportunity　of　remarking；　as　an　instance
in　point；　that　it　is　scarcely　delicate　to　look　at　vagrants　with　the
attention　which　I　have　seen　bestowed　upon　them　by　a　very　dear　young
friend　of　mine？　They　should　not　be　looked　at。　Nothing　disagreeable
should　ever　be　looked　at。　Apart　from　such　a　habit　standing　in　the　way
of　that　graceful　equanimity　of　surface　which　is　so　expressive　of　good
breeding；　it　hardly　seems　patible　with　refinement　of　mind。　A　truly
refined　mind　will　seem　to　be　ignorant　of　the　existence　of　anything　that
is　not　perfectly　proper；　placid；　and　pleasant。'　Having　delivered　this
exalted　sentiment；　Mrs　General　made　a　sweeping　obeisance；　and　retired
with　an　expression　of　mouth　indicative　of　Prunes　and　Prism。

Little　Dorrit；　whether　speaking　or　silent；　had　preserved　her　quiet
earnestness　and　her　loving　look。　It　had　not　been　clouded；　except　for　a
passing　moment；　until　now。　But　now　that　she　was　left　alone　with　him
the　fingers　of　her　lightly　folded　hands　were　agitated；　and　there　was
repressed　emotion　in　her　face。

Not　for　herself。　She　might　feel　a　little　wounded；　but　her　care　was　not
for　herself。　Her　thoughts　still　turned；　as　they　always　had　turned；　to
him。　A　faint　misgiving；　which　had　hung　about　her　since　their　accession
to　fortune；　that　even　now　she　could　never　see　him　as　he　used　to　be
before　the　prison　days；　had　gradually　begun　to　assume　form　in　her　mind。
She　felt　that；　in　what　he　had　just　now　said　to　her　and　in　his　whole
bearing　towards　her；　there　was　the　well…known　shadow　of　the　Marshalsea
wall。　It　took　a　new　shape；　but　it　was　the　old　sad　shadow。　She　began
with　sorrowful　unwillingness　to　acknowledge　to　herself　that　she　was
not　strong　enough　to　keep　off　the　fear　that　no　space　in　the　life　of　man
could　overe　that　quarter　of　a　century　behind　the　prison　bars。　She　had
no　blame　to　bestow　upon　him；　therefore：　nothing　to　reproach　him　with；
no　emotions　in　her　faithful　heart　but　great　passion　and　unbounded
tenderness。

This　is　why　it　was；　that；　even　as　he　sat　before　her　on　his　sofa；　in　the
brilliant　light　of　a　bright　Italian　day；　the　wonderful　city　without　and
the　splendours　of　an　old　palace　within；　she　saw　him　at　the　moment　in　the
long…familiar　gloom　of　his　Marshalsea　lodging；　and　wished　to　take　her
seat　beside　him；　and　fort　him；　and　be　again　full　of　confidence　with
him；　and　of　usefulness　to　him。　If　he　divined　what　was　in　her　thoughts；
his　own　were　not　in　tune　with　it。

After　some　uneasy　moving　in　his　seat；　he　got　up　and　walked　about；
looking　very　much　dissatisfied。

'Is　there　anything　else　you　wish　to　say　to　me；　dear　father？'

'No；　no。　Nothing　else。'

'I　am　sorry　you　have　not　been　pleased　with　me；　dear。　I　hope　you　will　not
think　of　me　with　displeasure　now。　I　am　going　to　try；　more　than　ever；　to
adapt　myself　as　you　wish　to　what　surrounds　me……for　indeed　I　have　tried
all　along；　though　I　have　failed；　I　know。'

'Amy；'　he　returned；　turning　short　upon　her。　'You……ha……habitually　hurt
me。'

'Hurt　you；　father！　I！'

'There　is　a……hum……a　topic；'　said　Mr　Dorrit；　looking　all　about　the
ceiling　of　the　room；　and　never　at　the　attentive；　unplainingly　shocked
face；　'a　painful　topic；　a　series　of　events　which　I　wish……ha……altogether
to　obliterate。　This　is　understood　by　your　sister；　who　has　already
remonstrated　with　you　in　my　presence；　it　is　understood　by　your　brother；
it　is　understood　by……ha　hum……by　every　one　of　delicacy　and　sensitiveness
except　yourself……ha……I　am　sorry　to　say；　except　yourself。　You；
Amy……hum……you　alone　and　only　you……constantly　revive　the　topic；　though
not　in　words。'

She　laid　her　hand　on　his　arm。　She　did　nothing　more。　She　gently　touched
him。　The　trembling　hand　may　have　said；　with　some　expression；　'Think　of
me；　think　how　I　have　worked；　think　of　my　many　cares！'　But　she　said　not　a
syllable　herself。

There　was　a　reproach　in　the　touch　so　addressed　to　him　that　she　had
not　foreseen；　or　she　would　have　withheld　her　hand。　He　began　to　justify
himself　in　a　heated；　stumbling；　angry　manner；　which　made　nothing　of　it。

'I　was　there　all　those　years。　I　was……ha……universally　acknowledged　as
the　head　of　the　place。　I……hum……I　caused　you　to　be　respected　there；　Amy。
I……ha　hum……I　gave　my　family　a　position　there。　I　deserve　a　return。　I
claim　a　return。　I　say；　sweep　it　off　the　face　of　the　earth　and　begin
afresh。　Is　that　much？　I　ask；　is　that　much？'　He　did　not　once　look　at　her；
as　he　rambled　on　in　this　way；　but　gesticulated　at；　and　appealed　to；　the
empty　air。

'I　have　suffered。　Probably　I　know　how　much　I　have　suffered　better　than
any　one……ha……I　say　than　any　one！　If　I　can　put　that　aside；　if　I　can
eradicate　the　marks　of　what　I　have　endured；　and　can　emerge　before　the
world……a……ha……gentleman　unspoiled；　unspotted……is　it　a　great　deal　to
expect……I　say　again；　is　it　a　great　deal　to　expect……that　my　children
should……hum……do　the　same　and　sweep　that　accursed　experience　off　the　face
of　the　earth？'

In　spite　of　his　flustered　state；　he　made　all　these　exclamations　in　a
carefully　suppressed　voice；　lest　the　valet　should　overhear　anything。

'Accordingly；　they　do　it。　Your　sister　does　it。　Your　brother　does　it。　You
alone；　my　favourite　child；　whom　I　made　the　friend　and　panion　of　my
life　when　you　were　a　mere……hum……Baby；　do　not　do　it。

You　alone　say　you　can't　do　it。　I　provide　you　with　valuable　assistance　to
do　it。　I　attach　an　acplished　and　highly　bred　lady……ha……Mrs　General；
to　you；　for　the　purpose　of　doing　it。　Is　it　surprising　that　I　should　be
displeased？　Is　it　necessary　that　I　should　defend　myself　for　expressing
my　displeasure？　No！'

Notwithstanding　which；　he　continued　to　defend　himself；　without　any
abatement　of　his　flushed　mood。

'I　am　careful　to　appeal　to　that　lady　for　confirmation；　before　I　express
any　displeasure　at　all。　I……hum……I　necessarily　make　that　appeal　within
limited　bounds；　or　I……ha……should　render　legible；　by　that　lady；　what　I
desire　to　be　blotted　out。　Am　I　selfish？　Do　I　plain　for　my　own　sake？
No。　No。　Principally　for……ha　hum……your　sake；　Amy。'

This　last　consideration　plainly　appeared；　from　his　manner　of　pursuing
it；　to　have　just　that　instant　e　into　his　head。

'I　said　I　was　hurt。　So　I　am。　So　I……ha……am　determined　to　be；　whatever
is　advanced　to　the　contrary。　I　am　hurt　that　my　daughter；　seated　in
the……hum……lap　of　fortune；　should　mope　and　retire　and　proclaim　herself
unequal　to　her　destiny。　I　am　hurt　that　she　should……ha……systematically
reproduce　what　the　rest　of　us　blot　out；　and　seem……hum……I　had　almost　said
positively　anxious……to　announce　to　wealthy　and　distinguished　society
that　she　was　born　and　bred　in……ha　hum……a　place　that　I　myself　decline　to
name。　But　there　is　no　inconsistency……ha……not　the　least；　in　my　feeling
hurt；　and　yet　plaining　principally　for　your　sake；　Amy。　I　do；　I　say
again；　I　do。　It　is　for　your　sake　that　I　wish　you；　under　the　auspices　of
Mrs　General；　to　form　a……hum……a　surface。　It　is　for　your　sake　that　I　wish
you　to　have　a……ha……truly　refined　mind；　and　（in　the　striking　words　of
Mrs　General）　to　be　ignorant　of　everything　that　is　not　perfectly　proper；
placid；　and　pleasant。'

He　had　been　running　down　by　jerks；　during　his　last　speech；　like　a
sort　of　ill…adjusted　alarum。　The　touch　was　still　upon　his　arm。　He　fell
silent；　and　after　loo