四季随笔-the private papers of henry ryecroft(英文版)-第28章

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ch　〃partakes　of　the　eternal〃　prompting　me　to　pranks　which　savour　little　of　the　infinite　wisdom。　Even　in　its　normal　condition　（if　I　can　determine　what　that　is）　my　mind　is　obviously　the　slave　of　trivial　accidents；　I　eat　something　that　disagrees　with　me；　and　of　a　sudden　the　whole　aspect　of　life　is　changed；　this　impulse　has　lost　its　force；　and　another　which　before　I　should　not　for　a　moment　have　entertained；　is　all…powerful　over　me。　In　short；　I　know　just　as　little　about　myself　as　I　do　about　the　Eternal　Essence；　and　I　have　a　haunting　suspicion　that　I　may　be　a　mere　automaton；　my　every　thought　and　act　due　to　some　power　which　uses　and　deceives　me。
Why　am　I　meditating　thus；　instead　of　enjoying　the　life　of　the　natural　man；　at　peace　with　himself　and　the　world；　as　I　was　a　day　or　two　ago？　Merely；　it　is　evident；　because　my　health　has　suffered　a　temporary　disorder。　It　has　passed；　I　have　thought　enough　about　the　unthinkable；　I　feel　my　quiet　returning。　Is　it　any　merit　of　mine　that　I　begin　to　be　in　health　once　more？　Could　I；　by　any　effort　of　the　will；　have　shunned　this　pitfall？
XV
Blackberries　hanging　thick　upon　the　hedge　bring　to　my　memory　something　of　long　ago。　I　had　somehow　escaped　into　the　country；　and　on　a　long　walk　began　to　feel　mid…day　hunger。　The　wayside　brambles　were　fruiting；　I　picked　and　ate；　and　ate　on；　until　I　had　e　within　sight　of　an　inn　where　I　might　have　made　a　meal。　But　my　hunger　was　satisfied；　I　had　no　need　of　anything　more；　and；　as　I　thought　of　it；　a　strange　feeling　of　surprise；　a　sort　of　bewilderment；　came　upon　me。　What！　Could　it　be　that　I　had　eaten；　and　eaten　sufficiently；　WITHOUT　PAYING？　It　struck　me　as　an　extraordinary　thing。　At　that　time；　my　ceaseless　preoccupation　was　how　to　obtain　money　to　keep　myself　alive。　Many　a　day　I　had　suffered　hunger　because　I　durst　not　spend　the　few　coins　I　possessed；　the　food　I　could　buy　was　in　any　case　unsatisfactory；　unvaried。　But　here　Nature　had　given　me　a　feast；　which　seemed　delicious；　and　I　had　eaten　all　I　wanted。　The　wonder　held　me　for　a　long　time；　and　to　this　day　I　can　recall　it；　understand　it。
I　think　there　could　be　no　better　illustration　of　what　it　means　to　be　very　poor　in　a　great　town。　And　I　am　glad　to　have　been　through　it。　To　those　days　of　misery　I　owe　much　of　the　contentment　which　I　now　enjoy；　not　by　mere　force　of　contrast；　but　because　I　have　been　better　taught　than　most　men　the　facts　which　condition　our　day　to　day　existence。　To　the　ordinary　educated　person；　freedom　from　anxiety　as　to　how　he　shall　merely　be　fed　and　clothed　is　a　matter　of　course；　questioned；　he　would　admit　it　to　be　an　agreeable　state　of　things；　but　it　is　no　more　a　source　of　conscious　joy　to　him　than　physical　health　to　the　thoroughly　sound　man。　For　me；　were　I　to　live　another　fifty　years；　this　security　would　be　a　delightful　surprise　renewed　with　every　renewal　of　day。　I　know；　as　only　one　with　my　experience　can；　all　that　is　involved　in　the　possession　of　means　to　live。　The　average　educated　man　has　never　stood　alone；　utterly　alone；　just　clad　and　nothing　more　than　that；　with　the　problem　before　him　of　wresting　his　next　meal　from　a　world　that　cares　not　whether　he　live　or　die。　There　is　no　such　school　of　political　economy。　Go　through　that　course　of　lectures；　and　you　will　never　again　bee　confused　as　to　the　meaning　of　elementary　terms　in　that　sorry　science。
I　understand；　far　better　than　most　men；　what　I　owe　to　the　labour　of　others。　This　money　which　I　〃draw〃　at　the　four　quarters　of　the　year；　in　a　sense　falls　to　me　from　heaven；　but　I　know　very　well　that　every　drachm　is　sweated　from　human　pores。　Not；　thank　goodness；　with　the　declared　tyranny　of　basest　capitalism；　I　mean　only　that　it　is　the　product　of　human　labour；　perhaps　wholesome；　but　none　the　less　pulsory。　Look　far　enough；　and　it　means　muscular　toil；　that　swinking　of　the　ruder　man　which　supports　all　the　plex　structure　of　our　life。　When　I　think　of　him　thus；　the　man　of　the　people　earns　my　gratitude。　That　it　is　gratitude　from　afar；　that　I　never　was；　and　never　shall　be；　capable　of　democratic　fervour；　is　a　characteristic　of　my　mind　which　I　long　ago　accepted　as　final。　I　have　known　revolt　against　the　privilege　of　wealth　（can　I　not　remember　spots　in　London　where　I　have　stood；　savage　with　misery；　looking　at　the　prosperous　folk　who　passed？）；　but　I　could　never　feel　myself　at　one　with　the　native　poor　among　whom　I　dwelt。　And　for　the　simplest　reason；　I　came　to　know　them　too　well。　He　who　cultivates　his　enthusiasm　amid　graces　and　forts　may　nourish　an　illusion　with　regard　to　the　world　below　him　all　his　life　long；　and　I　do　not　deny　that　he　may　be　the　better　for　it；　for　me；　no　illusion　was　possible。　I　knew　the　poor；　and　I　knew　that　their　aims　were　not　mine。　I　knew　that　the　kind　of　life　（such　a　modest　life！）　which　I　should　have　accepted　as　little　short　of　the　ideal；　would　have　been　to　them……if　they　could　have　been　made　to　understand　it……a　weariness　and　a　contempt。　To　ally　myself　with　them　against　the　〃upper　world〃　would　have　been　mere　dishonesty；　or　sheer　despair。　What　they　at　heart　desired；　was　to　me　barren；　what　I　coveted；　was　to　them　for　ever　inprehensible。
That　my　own　aim　indicated　an　ideal　which　is　the　best　for　all　to　pursue；　I　am　far　from　maintaining。　It　may　be　so；　or　not；　I　have　long　known　the　idleness　of　advocating　reform　on　a　basis　of　personal　predilection。　Enough　to　set　my　own　thoughts　in　order；　without　seeking　to　devise　a　new　economy　for　the　world。　But　it　is　much　to　see　clearly　from　one's　point　of　view；　and　therein　the　evil　days　I　have　treasured　are　of　no　little　help　to　me。　If　my　knowledge　be　only　subjective；　why；　it　only　concerns　myself；　I　preach　to　no　one。　Upon　another　man；　of　origin　and　education　like　to　mine；　a　like　experience　of　hardship　might　have　a　totally　different　effect；　he　might　identify　himself　with　the　poor；　burn　to　the　end　of　his　life　with　the　noblest　humanitarianism。　I　should　no　further　criticize　him　than　to　say　that　he　saw　with　other　eyes　than　mine。　A　vision；　perhaps；　larger　and　more　just。　But　in　one　respect　he　resembles　me。　If　ever　such　a　man　arises；　let　him　be　questioned；　it　will　be　found　that　he　once　made　a　meal　of　blackberries……and　mused　upon　it。
XVI
I　stood　to…day　watching　harvesters　at　work；　and　a　foolish　envy　took　hold　upon　me。　To　be　one　of　those　brawny；　brown…necked　men；　who　can　string　their　muscles　from　dawn　to　sundown；　and　go　home　without　an　ache　to　the　sound　slumber　which　will　make　them　fresh　again　for　to…　morrow's　toil！　I　am　a　man　in　the　middle　years；　with　limbs　shaped　as　those　of　another；　and　subject　to　no　prostrating　malady；　yet　I　doubt　whether　I　could　endure　the　lightest　part　of　this　field　labour　even　for　half　an　hour。　Is　that　indeed　to　be　a　man？　Could　I　feel　surprised　if　one　of　these　stalwart　fellows　turned　upon　me　a　look　of　good…natured　contempt？　Yet　he　would　never　dream　that　I　envied　him；　he　would　think　it　as　probable；　no　doubt；　that　I　should　pare　myself　unfavourably　with　one　of　the　farm　horses。
There　es　the　old　idle　dream：　balance　of　mind　and　body；　perfect　physical　health　bined　with　the　fulness　of　intellectual　vigour。　Why　should　I　not　be　there　in　the　harvest　field；　if　so　it　pleased　me；　yet　none　the　less　live　for　thought？　Many　a　theorist　holds　the　thing　possible；　and　looks　to　its　ing　in　a　better　time。　If　so；　two　changes　must　needs　e　before　it；　there　will　no　longer　exist　a　profession　of　literature；　and　all　but　the　whole　of　every　library　will　be　destroyed；　leaving　only　the　few　books　which　are　universally　recognized　as　national　treasures。　Thus；　and　thus　only；　can　mental　and　physical　equilibrium　ever　be　brought　about。
It　is　idle　to　talk　to　us　of　〃the　Greeks。〃　The　people　we　mean　when　so　naming　them　were　a　few　little　munities；　living　under　very　peculiar　conditions；　and　endowed　by　Nature　with　most　exceptional　characteristics。　The　sporadic　civilization　which　we　are　too　much　in　the　habit　of　regarding　as　if　it　had　been　no　less　stable　than　brilliant；　was　a　succession　of　the　briefest　splendours；　gleaming　here　and　there　from　the　coasts　of　the　Aegean　to　those　of　the　western　Mediterranean。　Our　heritage　of　Greek　literature　and　art　is　priceless；　the　example　of　Greek　life　possesses　for　us　not　the　slightest　value。　The　Greeks　had　nothing　alien　to　study……not　even　a　foreign　or　a　dead　language。　They　read　hardly　at　all；　preferring　to　listen。　They　were　a　slave…holding　people；　m